If I could sum up 2017 in one word, it would be: humbling.
This year, I learned so much about myself, my mental illnesses, and how the world works. For over a year, I had believed that I had found total and complete recovery. That I was “past my eating disorder”. It became my least favorite subject with my therapist, and I began to write of the importance of my dietitian. I ate every few hours and didn’t hesitate to choose what I wanted. I let my body move with joy rather than insanity fueled determination. I thought that I had made it. That never again would my disorder rear it’s ugly head.
I was wrong.
2017 brought me to my knees. On March 7th, I was on my way to get a protein smoothie after a workout and my life changed in a flash of green as another driver ran a red light and came crashing into me at full speed.
Within a few weeks of the accident, I found out that my therapist of three years, who had quite literally saved my life, was having to move away. I was given a list of strangers names who she thought would fit well with me. I had no interest in these strangers.
Meg leaving helped to push me to open up and be more vulnerable, but a lot of it was too little, too late. Me being a better patient couldn’t stop her from moving away, and as we said goodbye, I felt all the pieces inside that she had artfully sculpted to make me a whole human again crumble back into dust.
As Meg left, so too did my will to recover and I began to slide back into the depths of my eating disorder. The same disorder that I swore I had “outgrown”.
As my health declined thanks to the car accident, my eating disorder worsened, causing my poor body even more distress. And it wasn’t until October, when I met my hero, McCall Dempsey (shameless plug for you to go check out her organization Southern Smash), that I felt my life begin to realign.
I placed my faith in my new therapist and began to work towards healing the wounds of the past.
The last several months have been filled with me trying to fall back in love with all life has to offer. It has been about both the big picture and the little things, and I have loved living it. So 2018, bring it on.