Turnaround

Wow. 

That’s really all I can say in regards to the last 8 months of my life. Just a simple wow. In a matter of seconds, one incident transformed my happy, healthy, recovery filled life into total turmoil. 

Two and a half years of hard work went down the drain as another driver blew through their red light, smashing into myself and my car, destroying the happy life I had built for myself in recovery. 

As I coped with injuries: both physical and emotional, I didn’t know where to turn. 

My beloved therapist had to move away to begin another chapter of her life and I felt totally and completely alone. 

As the pain set in, the voice in my head, the voice I swore to ignore for the rest of my living days, got louder and more convincing. Ed’s familiar promises of peace and control slipped into my mind, wrapping me in a false sense of comfort and beckoning me back into the familiarity of my eating disorder. 

As I started to drown in my restriction, I saw myself slipping away. I fought tooth and nail, but my motivation had moved a state away, along with my therapist. 

All the pain she had helped me to shoulder was suddenly back on me, crushing me as I maintained my silence, refusing to accept the help my new therapist continued to offer. 

But finally, a little over two weeks ago, the storm broke. I met another impactful person and found my motivation restored. This woman knocked down my walls enough for me to call my old therapist and tell her the thoughts that circulated my brain. To hold myself accountable to allowing my new therapist to both know me and help me. 

Since then, I have fought hard to keep my walls down and my positivity up, and by God, it’s working. 

I feel strength in my steps as the nourishment I offer my body propels me forward. I feel joy in my heart as I interact with those I love. Rather than anxiety around my food I feel excitement. 

Though my physical health is still far from ideal, I finally feel like myself enough to once again pick up my pitchfork and go to war against the lies my disorder tells me. I know that it will not heal me. Only time and Medical professionals can do that. 

But finally, I am myself again, and I felt that that warranted acknowledgment and appreciation. 

Thanks for reading. 

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